


101 ways to ruin your friendship: A depressed teen's guide to romance

by orphan_account



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Angst, Comfort, Depression, Fluffy Ending, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Mild Self Harm, Panic Attacks, Unrequited, but not really johns just an idiot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-05
Updated: 2020-01-05
Packaged: 2021-02-25 00:08:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,419
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22126750
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Dave has to battle his constant self-loathing thoughts while also bottling them up to keep up a cheap facade of a cool kid, especially after showing vulnerability by confessing to his longtime crush, John. Meanwhile, John has to confront his own internalized homophobia after the confession of his best bro has him questioning things.
Relationships: John Egbert/Dave Strider
Comments: 1
Kudos: 32





	101 ways to ruin your friendship: A depressed teen's guide to romance

**Author's Note:**

> oops I didn't proof read this

TG: look man  


TG: im not fucking around  


TG: i love you

Oh jeez.

Oh, God.

Oh fuck.

You are John Egbert and you stare at the screen blankly, blue light filtering through your eyes as you sit unsure of how to answer that message. 

Dave Strider loves you.

You'd always had a hunch he did but it felt so much more… awkward being forced to confront it head-on. You grimace inwardly, ready to type the message of rejection. There's no way you like the Strider. You don't like guys, simple as that. Yet you feel something restraining. You don't want to write him the message of rejection. You don't know how to respond.

So you don't. 

You chalk it up to not wanting to hurt your best bro's feelings and log off pesterchum for the night. You head to your bed and flop down, not even bothering to cover yourself with blankets; You're excessively tired tonight. You fall asleep easily.

______________

TG: look man  


TG: im not fucking around  


TG: i love you

[ectoBiologist has logged off]

Fuck.

Fuck.

You are Dave Strider and you can feel the panic already begin to well up in your throat. A tight constricting pain stretches your throat muscles and you feel the tears begin to gather in your eyes. 

It only happens in a mere matter of seconds; You try to cool your rapid and panicked breathing as you shimmy yourself to a sitting position in the corner of your room. You huddle your legs closer and hide your face in your knees. You can't stop the tears from flowing now, wetting your jeans. You can feel a rushing sense of nausea coming over you but you stay put.

He's going to leave you. He's going to leave you like everyone else did. Because you're gay. Because you like him. Because you're a fucking weirdo. Because you're a piece of shit who never deserved love once in his pathetic life. You deserve it too. You can't do jack shit about it either. Shut up. Shut up dumbass. 

Suddenly you remove your head from your tear-soaked knees and look around the room. Your breathing has somewhat calmed and you feel tired. A pounding headache lingers at the back of your head as you stand up and make your way to your bed. You cover yourself into your sheets, hugging your pillow tightly before drifting off to sleep with many thoughts on your mind.

______________

Your name is John Egbert and it is the next morning when you wake up, promptly set your glasses upon your face, and thirdly make your way to the bathroom to fix your bedhead. The frazzled brown hair refuses to be tamed by your hairbrush and you eventually give up.

You run downstairs, quickly shoveling the cake that your dad had baked into your mouth. You had become aquatinted with the taste of the battery baked goods but you weren't exactly married to the idea of eating every little kid's dream for breakfast. Your dad made it far too often.

You muttered a quick "Love you, dad!" Before scurrying down to the bus stop. Your sudden enthusiasm comes to absolute hurdling stop and flying off a cliff as you remember Dave.  
Ah.  
Fuck.

Well, this is going to be awkward. Cue audience laugh track.

It’s whatever. You got this. You are John-fucking-Egbert and you’ll be damned if some dumb confession from your best bro was going to keep the two of you apart.

Well, looks like you’re damned because as soon as you arrived at school and saw Dave you hid immediately. You feel your heart sink as you notice Dave’s brows just barely furrow upwards in slight disappointment seeing you’re not there. Dave never wore his heart on his sleeve; Only years of being his best friend had made you notice the small quirks that showed his emotions. You anxiously fumble with your hands, briefly considering man-ing up and walking over to him before being interrupted by the bell. You sighed and headed into the school hoping this would just pass over.

______________

Your name is Dave Strider and you roll your eyes as you sit down at your desk. Did John think you were an idiot? (He’s right.) You saw him hiding from you this morning. You were angry and upset but also just too tired from the previous night to confront him about it. (You deserve it, dumbass.) 

You just try and push through the rest of school, despite how tired you are. You constantly belittle yourself every time a teacher points out you’re not paying attention. Fucking idiot, stop daydreaming. You’re seriously getting bent about your best friend? Obviously, he wouldn’t like you. What else did you expect? You hold back a slight whimper at your own angry thoughts, clenching your fists angrily. It always irked you how brutal your own brain was to you. Where others had a motivating voice, you had to fight that voice. It seriously made you mad.

The rest of the day wasn’t exactly smooth sailing but it’s about as smooth as it gets for a depressed teen. You begrudgingly drag yourself from class to class, the thoughts of the previous day buzzing around in your mind constantly. You decided you were going to deal with it once you were home but you weren’t too sure how. Finally, you just figure it’s best to not mention what happened yesterday. 

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB]

TG: hey man  


TG: look  


TG: if youre mad at me could you tell me  


TG: like were in high school we dont have to avoid each other because were angry like some elementary school idiots

You cringed slightly, realizing how demanding and accusatory you sounded and quickly go to backpedal. 

TG: sorry  


TG: i didnt mean to accuse you  


TG: i just  


TG: sorry  


TG: sorry sorry sorry

You sigh and groan, turning away from your computer. You feel like an absolute moron. You turn around and faceplant into your pillow. One or two angry tears slip down your face as you go to sleep for the night, not even looking at the clock to see how early it is.

______________

Your name is John Egbert and fuck! You’ve been thinking about Dave all day. You feel bad for ignoring him all and you feel bad for ignoring his message but most of all you feel bad for even considering turning his confession down. You don’t know why you feel so guilty about even thinking about rejecting him. You don’t like guys so it shouldn’t be a big deal, right? Then again you could just be worried about him because he’s your bro.

At the end of the day, you decide to avoid going home, opting to instead stay outdoor. You figure it’d help keep your mind off of Dave and it did for a while. That was until your phone buzzed and you opened your messages from Dave.

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB]

TG: hey man  


TG: look  


TG: if youre mad at me could you tell me  


TG: like were in high school we dont have to avoid each other because were angry like some elementary school idiots

Aw, man! He thinks your mad at him? That’s just not true in the slightest. You’re just not sure how to respond. You scroll down to read the rest of his messages.

TG: sorry  


TG: i didnt mean to accuse you  


TG: i just  


TG: sorry  


TG: sorry sorry sorry

You frown at the last part of the message. That wasn’t like Dave at all. You suddenly contemplate responding to him, considering that you may have really hurt him. He’s probably really upset because you didn’t respond. Because you don’t like him. Because you exist. Because you are “not a homosexual”. You decide that maybe it’s best for Dave if he wasn’t your friend if all you do is cause him harm. You know it’s a high impulse decision but you do it anyway.

EB: i think it’s better we’re not friends.  


EB: we shouldn’t talk anymore.  


EB: sorry.

You sigh. You know he’s going to respond. You don’t think you could bear to see his reaction.

ectoBiologist [EB] blocked turntechGodhead [TG]

You slightly cringe but shut down your computer. You can feel a deep sinking pit in your stomach as you inch away from the desktop to lay down on your bed. You try to ignore the tears falling down your face silently as you lay down in your bed. You pull the covers over your body, yet it still feels freezing. You have a hard time getting to sleep but you eventually drift off to bed.

______________

You are Dave Strider and you are currently freaking the fuck out. It’s three in the morning and you woke up only to see the fact your best friend left you. (You deserve it, idiot. You knew this was gonna happen.) You can’t stop sobbing. You’re so mad and tired and upset and just a mess. You throw your phone at the wall as hard as you can. You don’t care if you wake up your brother. You sink down in the corner of your room, crying into your knees and angrily jerking at your hair. Your mind is such a frazzled mess, you're sure you would have ripped out fat chunks of hair if it weren’t for your brother in front of you right now. When did he get here?

“Hey slow down lil’ man. I need you to breathe. In-” He sucked in a deep breath, holding it. “-and out.” He slowly breathed out trying to guide you through regaining your steady breathing pattern.

You hesitantly follow his instructions. It’s hard because you can’t stop your throat from hiccuping but you eventually get to a point where your calloused fists let go of your hair and you’re breathing in a somewhat even tempo.

He sits next to you, putting an arm around you and nestling you close. “What’s up lil’ bro? You wanna talk about it?” Dirk looks at you.

You feel yourself start to cry again as you choke the words out. “John isn’t my friend anymore.” You bury yourself in your brother’s side, trying to find some kind of comfort.

He begins to rub soft circles on your back. “Oh, shit. I’m so sorry. That must really suck. Why’d egghead leave?”

“I don’t know. I told him I liked him and he didn’t respond so I apologized the next day n’ then he said he didn’t want to be friends anymore. I guess he left me because I was gay for him or some dumb shit. ‘Sdumb.” You manage in a quivering voice, sniffling. 

“It’s not dumb. It’s okay to be upset over this shit. You didn’t deserve that and Eggderp is just being an ass if you ask me.” The Strider shrugs in an attempt to make you feel better. It only does little to reduce the sting but it feels nice to know your brother has your back.

“Thanks.” you mumble.

“No prob.” He stands up, extending a hand to you. “Now let’s get you back to bed.”

You smile slightly, accepting his hand, pulling yourself up. You never see Dirk be nice. Most of the time he tries to act like a hard cool guy but it was sweet to see him try to help you instead.

You crawl into bed and he tucks you into bed. “Night bro.”

“G’night.” You tiredly mumble, going back to sleep almost immediately. 

______________

Your name is John Egbert and it has been a month since you stopped talking to Dave. You’ve been bombarded with questions from Jade but mostly Rose. (“What the fuck did you do to my brother?”) and sometimes you regret it. Sometimes you want your best friend back. You want… You want your crush back.

You’re John Egbert and you’re too little too late to realize you love Dave Strider.

______________

You are Dave Strider and it’s been a year since you’ve seen John Egbert. Well, not exactly, but it’s been a year since you’ve acknowledged his existence. He left you because you confessed your feelings. A year had turned your feelings of guilt into more guilts, anger, and hatred of John. You hated him but you still loved him. So much. 

It’s a Sunday afternoon when you acknowledge John for the first time in a year and two months. You’re at the closest grocery store to your house when he suddenly bumps into you, making you stumble backward a little. “John?”

“Dave? Uh fuck.”

You feel the past emotions of the year start to well up. You yank his wrist, walking to the check-out stands, paying for his and your own groceries and then walking out and sitting you both down on the nearest bench.

“Dave, I--”

“Are you fucking serious? You cut me off with no explanation for a year, a fucking year, Egbert, and all you can say is “uh, fuck”? For real?” You growl annoyed, breathing heavily.

“Sorry.” The brunette grabs an apple juice from his own bag and hands it to you. You take it. “I just, thought that you being my friend was hurting you because you… y’know… like liked me.”

You feel the sudden emotions of guilt well up again. “Jesus I’m sorry about that. I just- I didn’t- I seriously thought it’d be okay tot ell you and now I realize that was stupid because you don’t like me- and that’s fine and It’s okay if you never want to talk to me again because I was a fucking idiot and I-” You’re cut off by John.

“Hey hey hey, no, shhhh, it’s fine.” You hadn’t even realized you begun to cry until John is wiping the tears off your face gently, the tips of his thumbs disappearing beneath your sunglasses. He stares you in the face and slowly inches “I think… I was just confused.” He inches even closer. “Dave, I do love you.” He presses his lips to yours and it’s instant fireworks. 

______________

Your name is John Egbert and you’re kissing Dave Strider and you’ve never felt so good in your life. At least not until he starts kissing back.

When you pull back he whispers. “I love you too, but you probably already knew that.”

You chuckle and grab his hand. “Movies, my place?” You invite him.  
He smiles. “I think I’d like that.


End file.
